When the new college opened in the next town – a somewhat larger town than ours – our folks began wondering if making the 30-minute drive to class would be worth it.

  Dud was the first to figure out that it was.

  “Boys,” he said, sitting at the Mule Barn philosophy counter and flipping his cup upright with one poetic motion, “I’m signed up over at J.H.T.. I’m going to get me an education.”

  “That’s great, Dud,” said his mentor and straight man, Doc. “What are you taking?”

Continue reading “HOME COUNTRY: Dud was the first to figure out that it was.” →

 When Steve and Dud got up to go get a paper, it left just Doc and Bert sitting at the philosophy counter of the Mule Barn truck stop. Bert turned his head and smirked a little, being careful not to let Doc see him. Doc also didn’t see Dud outside, punching in a number on his cell phone while Steve stood by as a cheerleader.

  “Doc,” said Loretta, from the cash register, “phone call for you, Hon.”

  “Here? Okay…”  Doc walked over and picked up the phone.

  “This here Doc?” said the caller. “The Doc what lost his squirrel?”

  “Uh …” Doc looked around for help. There was none. “Yes. Yes it is.”

  “Found your dang squirrel here, Doc. That reward thing still good?”

  “Well … yes.”

  “Five dollars and a quarter, right? Now is that cash or check? I don’t take no checks.”

  Doc is looking all around and looks wilderness-type lost. “Cash I guess.”

  “Only thing is, Doc. Need to be sure this is your squirrel, right? So can you describe him for me?”

  “He’s … gray.”

  “All gray squirrels are gray, now, ain’t that right? How about any distinguishing marks? Tattoos?”

  “No tattoos.”

  “So far so good. Now you said in the ad his name is Chipper. Well, I called him Chipper and the son of a gun bit me.”

  “He did?”

  “What I mean to ask here, Doc, is did you and your squirrel get along? No squirrel problems? He looks like he needs a square meal to me. You feed him good?”

   “What?”

   “You know … like Squirrel Chow free choice, or did you put him on a nut ration? I mean, he ate like there was no tomorrow. Dang near ate up the whole five dollars and a quarter reward money in squirrel food.”

  Steve and Dud walked back into the café, then, with the cell phone still at Dud’s ear, and the laughing began. 

  “You were right all along, Doc,” said Bert. “In winter, everyone can use a good hoax.”

   Doc paid for the coffee.                                

—————-

Brought to you by Ol’ Max Evans, the First Thousand Years by Slim Randles. From the University of New Mexico Press.

It might have been the winter doldrums that did it. You can never be sure of these things. It’s just that … well, Doc is one of those guys who can’t stand to see anyone bored. He claims it’s bad for their inner chemistry, and since he has more initials after his name than anyone else in town, we tend to listen to him.
When it happened, we in the inner circle of the World Dilemma Think Tank down at the Mule Barn truck stop thought back on what Doc had said a year ago when the temperature dropped, along with everyone’s spirits.
“In weather like this,” Doc pronounced, stirring sugar into his cup, “a real American would come up with a great hoax.”
Those of us sitting at the philosophy counter that morning just nodded, even though we didn’t have a clue. No one wanted to admit it, you see.
When the Valley Weekly Miracle hit the street yesterday, we bought one to see how much the editor dared to print, as always, but there in the classifieds was this:
“LOST – One gray squirrel, fluffy tail, two years old. Answers to “Chipper.” $5.25 reward. Call Doc.”
The paper was passed down the counter and we all looked at Doc after we read it. He was smirking as only Doc can smirk.

Continue reading “HOME COUNTRY: It might have been the winter doldrums that did it.” →

 You folks get them flu shots ever’ fall? I try not to, but Doc has this y’r nurse that’s not only stouter’n a streetsweeper, but fleet of foot as well. This y’r’s Windy, a-course. So, yeah, I prit-nearly allus get one a-them shots each fall. 

   But I been workin’ on a way to either speed me up or slow her down. Ever seen on them summer Olympicals the relay race? You know, when one guy’s runnin’ and he sticks out a stick and the next guy takes it for a while? Thass what that there nurse looks like in hot pursuit ‘cept it’s a hypothermic needle and not a stick in her hand. Now you know ol’ Doc makes fun a-me ever’ dang time she catches up. A-course, she could stand to run off a few calories here and there, mostly there. Truth be told, wouldn’t hurt me none, neither.

Continue reading “HOME COUNTRY: You folks get them flu shots ever’ fall?” →

  As I lay there in my super-duper borrowed-from-the-Army mummy bag, I had time to think about things. Mostly, I pondered how stupid I’d been to take a dog team out across the North Slope of Alaska in November. 

  As I can now contemplate, 50 years later, it was a dumb thing to do, making the first crossing north to south from Prudhoe Bay’s frozen oil fields to the Brooks Range. Brooks Range roughly translates to “that frozen rockpile there to the south.”

   But even then, in the deadly silence of the arctic, I knew my doing this was … well, me. I guessed at the time it would cost me my life, but I don’t know if I could’ve done otherwise. I HAD to do it. Ever since that first dogsled trip nearly a year earlier, I knew I was entangled in driving a dog team for good purposes. And good stories.

Continue reading “HOME COUNTRY: As I lay there in my super-duper borrowed-from-the-Army mummy bag” →

   Many of our Native American tribes call this month the “hunger moon,” and for good reason. The early fall hunting is generally over, the late season hunts in the snow aren’t happening yet, and the fishing? Well … let’s just say the salmon are all spawned out and dead, the trout? (Well, who can really figure out a trout’s thought processes) and the burbot is delicious and isn’t too hard to catch, but they are one of Nature’s ugliest creatures, giving even the mole rat a run for his money.

  But most of us go to the store in November and buy grub the way we do the rest of the year. The hunger moon shouldn’t affect us, really. 

But it does.

  Our daylight has pinched off to about zilch, It’s cold enough in the living room to hang meat, and the kids are bringing home report cards that look as though they’ve been put together by gnomes.

Continue reading “HOME COUNTRY: Many of our Native American tribes call this month the “hunger moon.”” →

 I think there must be autumnal reasons for Halloween being hued in orange and black. It’s a fun time, a magic evening if you’re a kid, and if you’re a grandpa-type guy, like me, who gets to hand out the goodies.

  But the colors of this sweet evening celebration are orange and black, and so is October. In another week or so, our deciduous trees will stand like skeletons against the gray skies of winter, but now we have the orange and black of fall.

  It happens right about sunset each day. The sky turns that eternal burnt-umber orange and the remaining leaves and the baring branches of our trees fill the evening with a holy filigree of contrast.

  Oh, it’s not something we need to do anything about. There’s no need for picture taking or anything. But it’s just something that we can step outside for … look toward the west through the lacy pattern of black branches and for a moment, just a short moment, say to ourselves, “Isn’t that pretty?”

  If the paint store could sell me something that looked even close to that for the walls of the little cabin I have, I’d buy a gallon. Maybe two.

***

For the best in outdoor and Western art, check out artvincent@comcast.net. 

Chickens have forever had a place in our hearts and on our tables. Why is that? Well … why not? 

  And so I’d like you to come with me back to the summer of 1970, ‘way up north of Fairbanks, Alaska, to what was once the thriving gold mining village of Chicken, Alaska. I was on my way, hitchhiking with a canoe, to paddle down a stretch of the Yukon River and to see the cabin where Jack London spent the winter once upon a time.

  Just as an aside here, hitchhiking with a canoe, or with a sled and 11 dogs, would make a lengthy how-to book all by themselves. It doesn’t sound easy, does it? It isn’t.

   So what I would do on these “adventures” of mine, (my boss, Larry Fanning, referred to them as Slim’s tin-cup trips because of all the scrounging I had to do) is go to neat places and interview great people, and write stuff. My column in the Anchorage Daily News was called … brace yourself … “Slim’s Column.”

  Truth in advertising.

  So I arrived in Chicken, Alaska, only to find I’d nearly doubled the local population. In the far-distant past, Chicken was a ghost town. When the gold gave out, so did Chicken.

  So what was left was “the business” consisting of a gas pump, a coffee pot, some postage stamps and a couple of nice folks. But there was something else, too.

  There was not only an outhouse there, but it was electrically lighted. So where should I write my column? In an electrically lighted outhouse in Chicken, Alaska.

Naturally.

  The raising of poultry this far north is uncommon; too many local varmints, including any resident sled dogs, eat them. So how did this gold camp get its name? Ahh … the very reason for that column typed on the wooden “desk” beneath that 20-watt bulb.

  Chicken, Alaska, got its name because none of the miners there knew how to spell ptarmigan.

Beat the holiday rush! “Strange Tales of Alaska” by Slim Randles now available on Amazon.com.

Chickens have forever had a place in our hearts and on our tables. Why is that? Well … why not? 

  And so I’d like you to come with me back to the summer of 1970, ‘way up north of Fairbanks, Alaska, to what was once the thriving gold mining village of Chicken, Alaska. I was on my way, hitchhiking with a canoe, to paddle down a stretch of the Yukon River and to see the cabin where Jack London spent the winter once upon a time.

  Just as an aside here, hitchhiking with a canoe, or with a sled and 11 dogs, would make a lengthy how-to book all by themselves. It doesn’t sound easy, does it? It isn’t.

   So what I would do on these “adventures” of mine, (my boss, Larry Fanning, referred to them as Slim’s tin-cup trips because of all the scrounging I had to do) is go to neat places and interview great people, and write stuff. My column in the Anchorage Daily News was called … brace yourself … “Slim’s Column.”

  Truth in advertising.

  So I arrived in Chicken, Alaska, only to find I’d nearly doubled the local population. In the far-distant past, Chicken was a ghost town. When the gold gave out, so did Chicken.

  So what was left was “the business” consisting of a gas pump, a coffee pot, some postage stamps and a couple of nice folks. But there was something else, too.

  There was not only an outhouse there, but it was electrically lighted. So where should I write my column? In an electrically lighted outhouse in Chicken, Alaska.

Naturally.

  The raising of poultry this far north is uncommon; too many local varmints, including any resident sled dogs, eat them. So how did this gold camp get its name? Ahh … the very reason for that column typed on the wooden “desk” beneath that 20-watt bulb.

  Chicken, Alaska, got its name because none of the miners there knew how to spell ptarmigan.

—————

Beat the holiday rush! “Strange Tales of Alaska” by Slim Randles now available on Amazon.com.