By Dr. Regina Miranda
Back-to-school season can present challenges and opportunities as a parent. Relaxed summer schedules are replaced with classes, homework, and extracurriculars, and the transition to a new semester can be both exciting and stressful.
Fortunately, the school year is full of everyday moments parents and caregivers can use to check in on their kids. Whether it’s an early breakfast before school, the commute home, or an after-school FaceTime call from work, these small moments can let kids know we are thinking about them.
When the opportunity for conversation comes, and we hear about something our children may be struggling with, we hope that our kids will feel comfortable speaking to us about it.
The temptation might be to jump in with reassurance, wisdom, or advice. But what kids need most from us isn’t for us to fix their problems for them. What they really need most is for us to listen with genuine interest and curiosity.
As simple as this suggestion may sound, it can be difficult to put into practice. If our child is anxious, our instinct is to make the anxiety go away. So, many of us will shift into solution mode.
That impulse comes from love. After all, nobody wants to watch their child suffer. But research suggests that adolescents are better able to regulate difficult emotions when parents respond with empathy, attentiveness, and emotional support.
I know from firsthand experience that listening can be more powerful than prescribing a solution.
This summer, my teen daughter, home from her first year of college, opened up to my husband and me about her struggles with sometimes debilitating anxiety. (I share this with her permission.) The years we spent laying a groundwork of open and safe conversation helped create the space for her to open up. Nevertheless, love for my daughter led me to offer fixes instead of listening.
It took me “a minute” to realize that I could help more by listening to my daughter, rather than imposing my own preferred solutions on her.
As parents, we want what’s best for our kids — but that requires giving them the space to figure it out themselves, in age-appropriate ways.
For instance, when your child talks, really listen. Give them as much time as they need without interrupting. Instead of immediately offering advice, ask, “Do you want help figuring this out, or do you want me to listen for a minute?”
Those responses may sound simple. But they communicate something profoundly stabilizing: “you are safe here.”
Importantly, conversations rarely happen in the formal, picture-perfect ways parents imagine, as I have experienced firsthand. Adolescents often speak most freely when in casual, low-pressure conversations.
The school year is incredibly busy. There’s little time for a pre-planned mental health conversation, but small moments that encourage big conversations are more common than you might think.
Your child may suddenly open up during a late-night study break or halfway through a quiet ride home after soccer practice. It’s important to actively seek these moments out and make your child feel welcome — but not pressured — to open up.
The school year is full of these “micro-moments.” And they matter more than many parents may realize, as adolescents enter a new stage of life, with unique social and academic pressures.
Now, more than ever, these conversations are critical. Rates of adolescent anxiety and depression have risen significantly over the past few decades.
This school year, parents don’t need flawless answers or perfect speeches. They need a willingness to be present and to listen actively. If we’re thoughtful about how and when we connect, we can offer our kids the support that makes a difference.
Dr. Regina Miranda is a professor of Psychology at Hunter College, and a faculty member of the Doctoral Program in Health Psychology and Clinical Science at the City University of New York. Her research focuses on assessment, treatment, and prevention of suicide risk among young people. Dr. Miranda is also an advisor for Sound It Out, a social impact campaign from the Ad Council. For more tips like those shared here, visit SoundItOutTogether.org. Originally published in New York Daily News.
